Held Until the End

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I love it. I resent it. And I don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling both.

This is the film I have the most complicated feelings about. It never became the film I originally set out to make. I rewrote it, reshaped it, and refined it over and over again. More often than not, I found myself frustrated by my own limitations and disappointed by what I couldn’t achieve. Yet perhaps because of that, I also felt a deep sense of affection and sympathy for it. I held onto this film until the very end, trying to save it in every way I could.

Ironically, pre-production was smoother than any project I had worked on before. So many people stepped forward to support me, offering their time, energy, and encouragement without hesitation. At one point, I almost felt guilty for how much kindness I was receiving. More than anything, I wanted to make something worthy of their faith in me.

But the final result never quite reached what I had imagined. Because my expectations were so high, the disappointment was equally profound.

Still, this film taught me more than I expected. Not in an abstract way, but in a way that truly stayed with me. The lessons were so immediate and so tangible that I already find myself applying them to the next project—checking, questioning, and rethinking every step of the process.This film forced me to confront my shortcomings. It showed me exactly where I still need to grow.

Yet at the same time, it was made possible by an overwhelming amount of generosity, support, and love from the people around me. For that reason, whenever I think about it, my heart aches a little.

Perhaps that’s why this film means so much to me. It carries all of my frustrations, all of my lessons, and all of the love that people gave me along the way. I love it and resent it in equal measure.

애증의 작품.

처음 시놉시스 대로 나오지 않아 몇번이고 바꾸고 또 다듬고 결국에는 나의 무능력함에 답답하고 화났고 또 그만큼 짠한 마음을 담아서 어떻게든 살려보려 끝까지 손에 잡고 있었던 영화. 프리프로덕션은 그 어느때보다 수월했고 서포트에 한없이 도와주는 사람들이 너무 많아 나중에는 그 마음이 미안할 정도로 어떻게든 잘 해보고 싶었다. 결과는 끝끝내 생각했던 것 만큼 안 나왔다. 기대가 컸던만큼 너무 실망했다. 그리고 역시 많이 배웠다. 진짜 마음에 와닿게 배워서 벌써 다음작품에 참고 하며 또 확인하고 또 확인한다.

나의 부족함을 확인했던 작품이지만 사랑을 듬뿍담은 많은 도움을 받았던 영화라 나한테 있어서는 눈물나는 영화. 애증한다.

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